Grand opening of the new stand masked the cutting humour of the City DJ playing the Dr Who theme as the teams waited in the tunnel. Doctors Hughes were called for and were treating a Chelsea player in fear of their jobs when Costa carelessly headed Dino’s elbow resulting in his being treated by the City crew who successfully dressed him up like the true clown he is. Miraculously the head bandage had disappeared on his re-emergence after half time and when John Terry failed to show I thought Shag was firmly bridged in Aguero’s pocket.

3-nil. Well the fake Doctor Quack, said the result was fake. On MOTD the lovable Geordie agreed, it was fake all right it should have been 5 or 6.

The first quarter was like watching expert surfing. Wave after wave pounding in, with Aguero and Silva riding a goal was inevitable. More than one should have proved fitting, even the quack agreed.

The second half showed one masterful substitution by the special one that resulted in a further brace for City. I heard that the bus driver was sacked for not parking it correctly. The now customary header by Vinny for the second but the third goal was a product of expert engineering when Silva tooth picked Hazard’s pocket near the City touchline and just seconds later his punchy tackle fed Dino for the goal. All done with fake skill, fake effort, fake guile, fake class.

Maybe fake is the southern/Portuguese pronunciation and Chelsea was well and truly faked.

Next week, in order to improve his vision, expect to see a scar on Mourinho’s forehead where the male appendage, still dripping with contempt, has been surgically removed.